My 3.5 year old son is shy. Reserved. Cautious. Sensitive. Quiet (well, until he feels comfortable, then watch out!). I was the same way as a child, which is ironic since he and I are not biologically related. As an adult I have not completely outgrown my shyness, although I can manage it better now than I could as a child. I see shyness as something that needs to be managed to some extent, but I’m not convinced that it’s a character flaw.
We live in a really fast-paced world. My husband and my son are not usually in a hurry. They are the types that like to slow down and smell the roses (literally in my son’s case, since he sniffs everything he comes into contact with!). I admire this about them, but feel really sad that our society doesn’t have much patience for their slower approach to life.
My son takes his time warming up to new people and any type of experience that seems potentially intimidating. People who have known him almost his whole life have no idea how chatty he is, because he clams up when they’re around. When he does open his mouth, he speaks very softly. When I take him to Story Hour or music class, he quietly observes, and then as soon as we’re in the car he belts out the songs we just finished singing with the group.
He’s cautious on the playground, too. We see other kids his age running past him and zipping all over the playground while my son takes slowly and deliberately. I acknowledge that I have contributed to his approach, because I’m sure he senses my nervousness and apprehension (and my mother has accused me of using the phrase “Be careful” way too often!).
I’m glad that my son’s cautious approach has potentially spared us ER visits, as we have enough of those for things like respiratory distress (he has allergies) and mosquito bites. I also appreciate the fact that he doesn’t fly around the playground with reckless abandon to anyone on his path who he might inadvertently knock over. But I still worry that his slower pace might put him at a disadvantage.
When I am able to let my son advance at his own pace, he does really well. Some children will go to anyone as babies, stay overnight at grandma’s from an early age, etc. Some people consider this a sign of a well-adjusted child, and consider slow-to-warm up children as clingy and insecure. I don’t necessarily agree.
I see my son’s sensitive nature as a personality trait rather than a character flaw or sign of insecurity. I do encourage him to step outside his comfort zone, but I try to respect his feelings by easing him into new situations. This has been very effective, as evidenced by his success at attending an On My Own Story Hour at the library this winter (he was not one of those children who stood in the doorway crying for Mommy).
I hope that as my son grows, he will find ways to meet the world halfway. I would like him to learn to take some risks and to step outside his comfort zone more, while also being appreciated for who he is. If the world would slow down a little and wait for him, it would be in for a treat.
Claire is a regular writer at Catholic Mothers Online.
Having been the mother of two relatively shy children (my first more so than my second), I am now the mother of a shy grandchild as well. She’s a chatty little girl in her own home and even at our house, but says virtually nary a word to her other grandmother and very few even to her aunt and uncle who see her more frequently. She’s slow to warm up with other kids, and because she’s not as verbal as some of them her mother is sure she appears not as bright to other moms, and to the other side of the family. However, with us all of her humor, energy, and intelligence are readily apparent.
In my experience, shy children do manage to make their way in the world in their own good time. When my second was two she wouldn’t go to her Sunday School class (we were Protestants then, and yes we had a class for two year olds), unless her daddy went with her. The pastor’s wife who taught the class told me that she needed to learn to separate or she’d cling forever. As the mother of another slow to warm up child, I knew better. That two year old grew up to be someone who went 11 hours away to graduate school, and who came home no more than once a month when she was an undergrad living an hour and a half away. At the appropriate moment she separated just fine.
I am really bothered by the fact that our culture places such emphasis on children all being gregarious. Why is there no space for the more introspective child? Why must everyone dash into things with enthusiasm? Perhaps if the culture as a whole were a bit more cautious we’d be in less trouble right now. I realize that the whole culture rewards the outgoing child more than the slow to warm up sensitive one, but I think that parents can make sure that their slow to warm up child is respected for his own uniqueness. I think it’s probably easier if the parent is slow to warm up themselves. It’s easier to understand the sorts of accommodations that help a sensitive child to fit into new situations (for example not putting them into a large pack of children, but doing a play date with just one child perhaps in his own home). I know some people see that as simply catering to them, and think you should make them toughen up, but my experience leads me to believe that the slower, gentler approach pays massive dividends in the end. You’ll probably never turn that shy child into a standup comedian (although he may be a real humorist in his own comfortable surroundings), but he will learn to navigate necessary social situations when necessary. My reasonably shy husband can even get up in front of large groups and give presentations comfortably, and both my relatively shy children got A’s in their public speaking classes in college.
Liz, thank you for sharing your story. I totally agree with your take on this. I’m glad you didn’t cave in to the pastor’s wife and force your two-year old to go to Sunday school by herself. I can’t imagine my son being able to handle that at age two.