“So, are you having any more children?”
I hear that question at least once a week and sometimes more often than that, depending on where I am and how many children I have in tow. For many people, they see this big, crazy, happy (mostly) family of seven and think, “Sister, you need to be done.” That’s about the time I want to reply, “Sweetheart, you’re not on that committee.”
It is a question I struggle with daily.
I am struggling to find peace with a decision—any decision—and on any given day I will give you a different answer. I recognize that it’s easier for people to understand if we said we were done having children, and perhaps harder for them to understand my desire to have another.
It’s so complicated in my brain.
The baby of the family, Luke, has multiple medical needs and spent 44 days in the NICU. He’s complicated, but extremely cute. There is this fear of mine that his traumatic birth could happen all over again with another child. No doctor or specialist to date has been able to definitively tell us what caused Luke’s IUGR (poor growth rate in utero) and the many complicating factors, and if they could all happen again. I’m over 35—technically, advanced maternal age—and I know the risk factors for a whole host of birth defects just jumped way up. However, I also know that if anyone had told me what life had in store for us, I would’ve punched their lights out and told them no way we could handle it.
Yet, we did. God gave us what we needed even though we got blindsided. I am grateful for whatever time God gives us with our children; I’ll do it joyfully. And, perhaps only complain in the millisecond I have to myself as I go to the bathroom in lightening speed. It is, after all, one of the few places I can sneak away to for a full minute and get some time to myself. Can I get an AMEN?
I love being pregnant. {I wonder if I will worry or love being pregnant again.}
I love a newborn. {I wonder if we would have a *normal* experience this time around. For the record, I really hate the word *normal* now.}
I love feeling a baby kick inside. {I wonder if that feeling will only exist in my memory.}
I love giving birth. {I wonder if I would be a candidate for VBAC or if I would endure another C-section. Both options kinda freak me out.}
I love nursing. {I tear up everytime I think Luke might be my last, then I look down at my chest and wonder who in heaven’s name came up with the name “miracle bra” at Victoria’s Secret.}
I love first steps, first words, first everything. {Oh, how I love all those. It’s hard to use the word, “last.”}
I do not love toddler tantrums or crib parties at 3am, but “this too shall pass” and I love being a mom during every season. {I am ready/not ready to be a grownup mom. Having all my chicks in school and little people becoming self-sufficient, whew, that is hard on my heart.}
As a Catholic mom who practices Natural Family Planning (NFP)—and, no, it is NOT the antiquated rhythm method—I recognize that our lifestyle is about as counter-cultural as you can get. In a world where we read news reports of designer babies, hear about abortions because the gender was the wrong one or have friends and neighbors heave a sigh of relief with a tubal ligation or vasectomy—wanting a large family is so…foreign. What I think all of them fail to truly understand is my internal struggle with closing this chapter of life.
There is this part of me that wonders if God has more children in store for us and He’s asking me to trust. Or, if He believes our family has grown to its fullest potential. Should we adopt? Should we live in the moment and love where we are with our five awesome children? Do I have the patience for another? I recognize that my worries are wholly different than my husband’s. He worries more about finances and education and our mental well-being. There are days I’m with him on that last one.
I also wonder how my perspective would/will change if Luke, is indeed, our last. Would there be more Scott and Kathryn time? Is it selfish to dream of that? Would we be able to do a few more things as a family, attend more kids’ events as a couple, sit through an entire hour-long Mass? Dare I dream?
So many questions. No one right answer. I think that’s what I’ve come to accept. Without a doubt, even if we say “we’re done,” I say it with this addendum, “unless God thinks differently.” We are always open to the gift of life. Always.
Kathryn and her husband, Scott have five children – for now – but if you check back into her family blog, that answer could change tomorrow.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, how this post resonates with me!!
I have four children, and I think about this so often. My youngest children are three (twin boys) and as I watch them grow, I think, “oh, we NEED another. ”
Even reading this, I smile to myself, because at one point in my life, there’s no way those words would have come out of my mouth. God has a way of softening my heart, and showing me the joy and beauty of a FULL (and LOUD) life with children.
I can totally relate to you and your comment about wanting a ‘normal’ newborn period …. for me, it would be having a ‘normal’ pregnancy. With the twins, I felt like a freak show the entire pregnancy. I’m an ‘older’ mother, and that, coupled with a twin pregnancy, meant lots of monitoring, and me fighting for the delivery I wanted.
We’re an NFP family as well ….. I like to tell people who ask me that God has the final say on our number of children. I also prefer to hang out with people who have large families. In my local Catholic homeschooling group, I have one of the smaller families, and I love it ….. I don’t feel like an outcast.
Thank you again for this lovely post, and know that you have at least one other Catholic momma who feels many of the same struggles as yourself.
Dianna,
HI! I was wondering, were you able to have your delivery the way you wanted? I am currently 40, pregnant, possibly with twins (go Monday to verify through US), and my last child (8th delivery) was delivered via c-section. I had 7 natural births – no drugs, no nothin’, prior. I am just curious as to my chances of having a natural birth should it be twins. I am already having trouble finding a doc who will let me have a vbac, let alone a vbac, twin delivery. I am hoping it’s possible, but afraid there is a very small chance.
Kathryn,
I totally understand all of your wonderings! Up until a few weeks ago, all of those things have been going through my mind as well. We are also an NFP family, but have been having some trouble with that – as I am 40, and things have changed up on me a lot in the last year or so! We are now expecting our 10th, and possibly 11th child. I was freaked out at first, the last pregnancy and birth did not go well, but, I just gave it all over to God. I asked the Blessed Mother for her prayers, and have been much more at peace. My only problem now is trying to not get my heart set on twins, just in case it isn’t twins. So, we have a week, and we will know. Either way, I am excited. Just sort of hoping to be super excited!
Megan ….
Heck to the yeah, with a whole lot of fighting. Long story short, my OB was OK with a breech extraction of Baby B as long as Baby A was vertex. He was, thankfully, the entire pregnancy. Baby B flipped from breech to transverse the entire time. I basically stayed at home until I was crowning, and then told anesthesia to bug off. They gave me the song and dance about potentially needing to do general anesthesia in case Baby B got into trouble, but I was OK with that small chance. Bottom line, got to the hospital, and the boys were born with no meds or interventions about 30 min later. You just have to be prepared to fight. If they are both breech, there aren’t many docs who will vaginally deliver, but midwifes sometimes will. I was NOT a VBAC, so that’s throwing another monkey wrench in the situation for you. I’d be happy to answer any questions you may have. Just head on over to my site.
Hello Kathryn
I totally empathize with you. I only have four daughters.. they range in ages between 4 and 20 and my husband and I live totally open to life. I have had four c-sections and one miscarriage and with each pregnancy I spotted.. with the last I was considered high-risk and didn’t do much except cook most days.
I also love all the firsts and especially loved breast-feeding. My last daughter breastfed until she was nearly four. Of course, the last couple of years it was mostly for comfort and bonding time. I miss those days alot when she would be hurting or tired and crabby and after two minutes of cuddling she would relax, stop fussing and settle down. (If only we could bottle those wonderful hormones breastfeeding produces!)
Even though I only have four.. our financial situation has not been so great these past few years and I know that if I were to get pregnant again now there are many people who would raise their eyebrows at me.
One being my two older daughters.. how I battle with the world view they have. They don’t believe in abortion of course, but they feel that contraception is okay because poor people shouldn’t have to carry the burden of raising more children than they are capable of caring for.
I have tried to explain about practicing continence and abstinence – about how God will never give us the blessing of children without providing for them.. as He has with all four of mine. This is definitely one for the Lord Himself to handle.. all I can do is continue to pray for them and to live out the faith I have.
It is not easy to surrender this area of life to God.. especially in my circumstances where I was told I ought to have a tubal ligation done because another pregnancy would be too high-risk for me. There is no other way for me though.. I trust completely in Him and I trust in His love and provision.
I pray that you will continue to have the courage and strength to live out your faith. Enjoy and love up that little one.. they grow so fast huh? My last daughter turns five in October and starts ‘big school’.. so hard to believe the time has come for this!
God bless!
This has been on my mind lately too. We have 4 children, and my youngest is 16 months, about the age where we have historically had another on the way. This time though, we are so tired and need a rest! My husband is about to be 40 and he is content with our family size. I have seen our marriage flourish lately as I have had more energy to focus on it instead of another pregnancy. I would love more babies but I feel that right now, we are where we need to be, even though that makes me sad! Great post, I will be checking your blog.
Oh how I rejoiced at reading your words!!! I’m NOT the only one who feels this way!!!!! I’m 40, my youngest will be turning one next month, my husband JUST found work after 3+months, and for some reason I still want another baby!!! I homeschool all 4 of my children and have the SAME thoughts as you. You have no idea how much your words resonated with me this morning. Thank you for making me feel “normal” (what ever that is)!!!! May God bless you and your wonderful family!!!!!
This brought tears to my eyes. Mostly, why do people CARE what we choose as family size?
However, I had horrible pregnancies, and my last delivery was a child who for no known reason, was failure to thrive.
We, too, practice NFP. My mother recently announced, when my nephew announced they are having a “honeymoon baby”–”I STILL think people should use contraceptives for a few years until they’ve had time alone first”. I am so worried about having another–I am nearly 45 and my hands are full, as we have adopted two special needs children in the last 3 years–for a total of 7 children now.
This last little guy, among other horrible things happening inutero–was not being fed, as it sounds your Luke dealt with. He is still adorable, he is still one to teach us daily about what life is really about. And know what–I sickly admit that I enjoy cloth diapering–so even though he is almost four, I am not repulsed about this, and praise God for giving me another shot at babyhood! LOL!
Blessings to your and your family! You have blessed so many of us!
This resonates with me also. I am a mother of four, three living. Our first was born with significant medical issues and passed away before his first birthday. Our second child was born four months after he died and was followed pretty quickly by number three and number four.
Our youngest is a month away from her first birthday and my husband and I go back and forth between our desire for a fifth child and our (mild) worries over how we would handle it. We also practice NFP and trust that the Lord will bless our family again when He knows we are ready. Even if we might not think we are!
What a beautiful post. I can relate, and we only have three so far!
Thanks for your words. They came just when I needed to read them.
I loved this blog because it so resonates with my life. We have 6 children and are expecting twins. Our children range from 13 (next month) to 2 and a half. Everyone always wants to know if we are done and sometimes I’m tempted to just say sure so that I can skip the stunned looks and endless questions about our sanity, finances, time, etc.
In fact, that is the answer we had begun to give before this pregnancy since we had decided that ideally we wanted to wait a few years before we discussed the possibility of another. Apparently, that wasn’t in God’s plans and He has a great sense of humor because He blessed us with twin boys! Not exactly in my plans, but we couldn’t be happier. 
Who knows, maybe #9 will be a girl. 
I think every woman ponders this question no matter how big your budget or how large your bank of patience. I don’t think it is in our nature to stop caring for children and babies. It’s instinctual, we are drawn to it naturally.
Being the only guy to post here is unsettling but your thoughts rang true and I believe it’s worth posting a few thoughts.
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Thank you for the above article. Loved it and enjoyed the insight.
Personally, I marvel daily at my wife and the miracles she’s brought into this world. I’m jealous and envious of what it must be like to know another’s life is inside of you.
Being one of those couples who chose to self-sterilize, it was through a great amount of prayer and humility that we chose to get out of God’s way by undoing what we’d chosen to do eight years ago.
God blessed us with Meagan 15 months ago and number 4 is due any day now. I can’t even imagine what life was like without Meg joining us and I’m sure “Stella” (nickname because we can’t agree on our newest’s name) will add nothing but more texture to our blessed lives.
Honestly, I’m not sure if having 4 kiddos counts as a large family but considering what’s become the norm….I’ll surmise that we’re getting there.
On the note about whether there will be more…. if it’s God’s will then so be it. If not then I’ll give grace and thanks for the wonderful, wonderful blessings God has given us in our children and look forward to being a grand-father some day.
Thank you again for your words and insight. Your testimonies and the living witness of your family serves as an inspiration for other Catholic families. Peace. CC
I get the same question and I only have 4 children. My answer is
“I hope not” some people say “your crazy” I don’t care….I love having babies! I only wish I had more but time is not on my side these days.
Wow, I am humbled to read each of your stories, struggles and shared experiences. Shout out to Chris for jumping in as the only male, too
You know, I think we all have a family story, each is beautiful and each came with a sincere amount of prayer. Thanks for allowing me to share mine.
Wow, thanks for sharing. We recently had our third nearly three months ago, and our other children are nearing three and just turned five. We’ve been married for six years. Additionally, our oldest has Autism and epilepsy.
A lot of people ask us why we “have so many children” (like 3′s a lot! LOL) when our first is special needs. Our answer is that we had more children *because* our oldest is special needs! We wanted her to be surrounded by family when we are no longer here, and we live far away from her cousins, etc because of my husband’s job. We also know that her life expectancy is not great, maybe only 40 or 50 years, so we didn’t want our 2nd born to end up “an only child”. My dad is an only child, and I see the toll that takes on him caring for an aging parent and just in his day to day life.
We are also an NFP family, but get lots of pressure from my family to “get snipped” at this point. Their question is not, “are you having any more children”, but is “you’re not having more children, right?”. Honestly, we would love to have at least one more, but finances and sanity (plus our ages) make us rethink.
I am currently pregnant with our first and my husband and I already know that we will welcome all the children God gives us and and we hope that makes for a large family. Already we face questions about how many we want to have and I’ve turned to saying “we’re not sure”, because we get all kinds of unsupportive and even hostile responses when we say we want a large family. It’s bad enough that people always ask if my pregnancy is an “accident”, because no would ever want kids this early in a marriage (we just celebrated our first anniversary) or while my husband is still in school.
Seems like these comments will never end, but I love your (desired) response “Sweetheart, you’re not on that committee”!!!! I don’t know why people think it’s ok to give unsolicited advice about family planning to strangers or mere acquaintances! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!