I’m going to do something a little different today and review two books that I have read recently. Reading them has made me realize how far-flung are the implications of the philosophy of “life” versus the philosophy of “self”–something important to all of us in this community of Catholic mothers.
Book 1: Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman
This book came highly recommended. I went into it with my eyes open, knowing that it was written by a thoroughly “modern” woman and thus, likely to contain objectionable material. But I also expected to glean some good thoughts from it.
Much of Bad Mother lived up to my expectations. Each chapter is an essay on some aspect of parenthood, marriage, and sexuality. She made good points about judging each other, and laid the blame pretty fairly all the way around when discussing why men and women are often dissatisfied with each other. She makes a great case for taking a reasoned approach to sex ed—a discussion we’ve touched upon here at CMO before, too. “If you tell children that all drugs will kill you (or all sex will get you pregnant and cause you to break out in postulant, fatal sores), as soon as they are old enough to realize that their pothead cousin not only is not dead but has just graduated magna cum laude from Yale, they will dismiss ALL your warnings,” she writes.
But one chapter blindsided me. It was about the decision she and her husband made to abort their child after a prenatal test indicated a risk of a rare genetic disorder. As the parent of a child with special needs, I got physically sick reading it. She outlined a belief that I did not think could possibly exist in a rational person. It goes like this: An unborn child IS a human being, and killing it IS a morally acceptable choice.
Reading this book reinforced my commitment to teach my children a holistic, Catholic approach to sexuality. It was so frustrating to see a modern woman recognize the same problems that I see in the culture, but fail to recognize that the inconsistency in her view of sexuality is what causes those problems. I wrote about that on my own blog at some length.
After the emotional beating that was Bad Mother, I was delighted to turn my attention to a book featuring people who took a totally different approach to sexuality.
This is a short anthology of stories by and about committed Catholic couples: how they met, their spiritual and relational growth, and the paths they took toward marriage. Who doesn’t like a good “how we got together” story? It’s beautiful to see the varied ways that God brings people together. Some couples “knew” instantly; others fought it tooth and nail. Some followed a blissfully smooth path to marriage; others had major hurdles to overcome. In two cases, the woman didn’t even like the man for the first half of their courtship! Come My Beloved illustrates a beautiful truth: that as long as we are seeking God’s will in our lives, He will always get us where we’re supposed to be, no matter how many obstacles we throw in the way.
The stories are short and very readable, written in a “he said/she said” format. Some of them read as well-organized essays, and others read more like a good conversation, with all the twists and turns you might expect. Each one begins with a photo of the couple in the early years and ends with a family photo and short biography. There are younger couples and older ones, like Lee and Mary Lou DuBois, whose story gives us a rollicking glimpse of life in the 1950s as well as a story of faith and love.
This is definitely a book for Catholic readers. Many of the stories involve conversions, and in every case, the couples display a commitment to God and a healthy expression of Godly love—in other words, sexuality. It can be a hard, lonely road to strive to live up to the Christian ideal of sexuality and marriage. It’s always a good thing to read stories of others who have walked or are walking along the same journey. It is an easy read, and it’s food for the soul, too.
Kathleen can be found writing at So Much to Say, So Little Time.
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Thanks for the heads up on Bad Mother — I’ll be honest, I had not even heard of it. My book reading has fallen off dramatically.
I’m looking forward to readin Come My Beloved.
I read via google feed – and often don’t click through…(sorry)
Ms. Waldman has been online for years, before I think even being published…and has always rubbed me the wrong way wrt *mothering* and her perspectives on/of it. How sickening that we think we have the right to such decisions! I had read another woman’s blog – a wonderful writer, and she presented her abortion, in a book she wrote — that she made the right and best choice for the child. I wonder, will these women ever get to meet these children and hear their point of view on the matter.
Not in defense of Ms. Waldman’s position (personally, I don’t care for the woman), but we need to be very careful of judging her “defense” of abortion as illogical or inconsistent. I look back as a quote Michael Crichton in his book Jurassic Park:
“Our scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
We live in a decade of enormous scientific advancement…but that isn’t necessarily a positive thing. We have the ability to make a human body live on through artificial means, even if the soul has already passed. In past centuries, many of these children who are now born with severe deformities and genetic disorders would have die naturally; now, we keep them alive through any means necessary.
Yes, the mothers of premature and/or mentally disabled babies who grow up to normal / consistent / full lives are thankful. But working with the medical field, I hear the stories of just as many other mothers whose children were born with major complication, who were “saved” by the medical staff, and who now live as complete vegetables, totally dependent on their families. Had those children been born fifty (or even ten) years ago, medicine would not have saved them.
The emotional and physical effects upon the mothers are enormous, and I have a hard time believing that just because we have the ability to save a brain-damaged, 22-week preemie automatically means that we should do so. That keeping a baby who lacks the first chromosome alive on full life support is in the best interest of that child born without most of his brain. I have read articles and books written by philosopher Christopher Kaczor on this matter, but even as he talks about non-permissibility of killing someone based on longevity after birth, he ignores the fact that we have already used science to play God in our own little way.
When viewed in this light, I can understand the logical defense for abortion posed by women caught in these extreme circumstances, even as it makes me sick. To them, abortion is simply an earlier, more humane, and less emotion ending to an already painful situation. Morally reprehensible, yes, but understandable.
Don’t misconstrue my comment: abortion is morally unacceptable. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t logically defensible. Just as with so many other things in life, we follow this belief because of our faith in God and in the Church’s teachings, not because it is the choice that always makes sense.
Melissa, I suppose that makes sense. For those who don’t know, either via medical background or personal experience (that one would be me), the lower the chromosome number, the more information is contained on it. When they check for chromosomal abnormality after birth, they check all the conditions that are “compatible with life,” meaning the kid is obviously alive, so obviously it isn’t a problem on one of the lower-number chromosomes.
Melissa, I’ve never heard of such a thing as a child being kept alive without a first chromosome. Is that actually possible? It’s hard to imagine!
In any case, your argument makes sense, although it truly is horrifying. I think the thing that bothers me is that every experience like this offers a person a chance to grow–growing in faith through uncertainty, in her case (they didn’t KNOW the child had the condition, it was the unknown that frightened her). And when you lop the knees off that opportunity…
Anyway, I guess I’m getting into the “passing judgment” territory. It’s just so darned frustrating!
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