Yes, I am a Helicopter Mom. Even if I were the queen of d’nile (denial), I would be hard-pressed to hide that all-encompassing aspect of my motherhood from myself or others.
At the playground, the library, the Community Center, or any public place, my son and I are joined at the hip, and it’s not much different at home. Experienced mothers (with more than one child) have been known to roll their eyes at me. It’s written all over their faces, “she’ll get over it once she has a second child.”
In the unlikely event that I were ever blessed with a second child, there might be some truth to their prediction. With additional children to take care of, I would probably have no choice but to loosen the reigns a little. However, I can’t imagine my approach changing very drastically. It’s too integral to my personality and my philosophy about the role of motherhood.
Personally, I think Helicopter Moms get a bad rap.
Yes, there are some who take the concept too far by smothering their children and hindering their independence to the point of damaging their self-esteem. There are others who shelter their children from learning life’s lessons through the experiencing the consequences of their actions. This is not the kind of mother I want to be. However, I do feel that it’s my job to protect my child, to provide adequate supervision, and to provide the guidance he needs in order to learn how to navigate the world socially, emotionally and physically.
Last fall at our local indoor playground, the eye rolling made me feel self-conscious, so I decided to sit back like the other moms and let my then 22-month old roam around on his own. Within five minutes, he had flung a lego in the direction of a slightly older boy. (He did not do this with the intention of hurting anyone else; he just had a habit of throwing things whenever he was frustrated, and the other boy happened to be in the vicinity.) So I went from feeling self-conscious about being a helicopter mom to feeling embarrassed that my son unintentionally hit another child with a lego.
How sad that I allowed other mothers to make me violate my instincts to stay near my toddler in order to help him develop tools to deal with his frustration, and to develop tools for interacting with other children (which is why we were there in the first place). How sad that a mother supervising her toddler can so easily be categorized negatively as a helicopter mom.
Like everything else, motherhood is all about balance. There will be times when I need to step out of my comfort zone to give my son more independence. There will be times when I will need to advocate for him when he is being treated unfairly by teachers, but I will also need to hear the teacher’s side of the story to make sure that I’m not excusing unacceptable behavior.
I have no doubt that there will be many times when I get it wrong. But my goal is to strive for the appropriate balance and to I embrace my title of Helicopter Mom with pride.
Claire doesn’t currently blog, but she is a staff writer here at Catholic Mothers Online.
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I’ve taken the attitude of “eh” toward parenting. My favorite thing is to offer my opinion, if solicited and then follow-up with, “But, you do what is right for you and your family. Because, quite frankly I could never understand what is like to be you.” When my husband is away on trips, I have A LOT of sympathy for single parents. Our priest always tells us to say prayers for other parents when you feel like judging, because they are struggling and need grace, and Lord knows it’s hard. So you go girl. Your son will probably thank you later. Just be sure teach him to balance his own check book instead of just fixing it by putting money in his bank account
Brilliant post!
From Attachment Parenting Site “This actually encourages the right balance between dependence and independence. Because the connected child trusts his parents to help him feel safe, he is more likely to feel secure exploring his environment. In fact, studies have shown that toddlers who have a secure attachment to their mother tend to adapt easier to new play situations and play more independently than less attached toddlers.”
louise jane recently posted..Change of plan
Renee, I’m right there with you on the checkbook issue! I don’t believe in enabling adult children to be financially irresponsible. And the single parent thing: until I had a child of my own, I never had any concept of how hard it would be to be a single parent. My heart goes out to them.
Nice article Claire! I found your thoughts on the indoor playground to mirror my own, in that as a parent it’s my job to teach my toddler how to play and get along with others. I’ve been a part of a group like that for over 7 years now, and last year took over as the “playgroup leader”, but it’s only my job to set out toys & provide crafts / snacks / activities that are age appropriate, not to assist each child, that’s why parents are to stay. I do get that parents need some adult conversation, but I so appreciate it when that is done in small bits, and put on pause because a child wants to play catch with mom or do the craft with paint & needs supervision.
(also, cute picture of the 3 of you!)
Thanks Laura! Your playgroup sounds awesome; I wish we lived closer!
I am a pretty hands off mom. I try to steer my children in the direction of behaving appropriately. I believe it is my job to teach them how to deal with other children and prepare them for the “real world”. When another child isn’t being nice, I don’t run to my children to remove them. My children have learned that if they do not like something another child is doing, they need to ask the child to stop, politely and always with a please. If that child continues, then they are to remove themselves from the situation. The thing is, kids throw things and kids need to learn to deal with each other. Its not only about prevention. If your child had thrown something at one of mine, there would be no reason to be humiliated. I would not have thought poorly of you or your child or thought that you were a bad parent if you had not addressed the situation. I would have simply instructed *my child* to ask your child not to throw or to walk away and go play somewhere else. Approaching it like this, shows the child that if he/she behaves a certain way, then other children are not going to want to play with him. Then, there is the learning moment. I have a 2 year old and she does understand when I tell her the rules of playing with other children (both my girls at 2yrs did). Those rules are “no hitting, no pushing, and no kicking, and to always be polite”. If you hit, push, or are rude, other children are not going to want to play with you. So, far it has worked. Of course, other mothers tend to see me as a bad parent because I don’t follow my kids around the play ground or correct them on every.little.thing. I also don’t jump when they are hurt or pushed by another child.
The problem is that parents (especially mothers) are constantly interfering with the children’s interactions. This isn’t teaching a child to be social. Its teaching the child that mommy comes running every time something goes awry. And, yes as the child gets older these same mommies have a difficult time not interfering.
I do also practice attachment parenting. I don’t think this style of parenting has anything to do with being “attached”.